Dear Evan Hansen

A couple of weeks ago my parents and I spent the day in New York City and the highlight of the day was definitely when we went to see the musical Dear Evan Hansen. Filled with intense subject matter, incredibly moving songs, and three dimensional characters, this musical is one for the history books and truly has something in it for people of all ages. The musical is about a young high school senior with severe social anxiety who, after the suicide of one of his classmates, makes up a huge lie about how he was best friends with this kid who had killed himself just to feel like he belongs somewhere. Like most people, Evan just wants to feel like he belongs and that his life is actually worth living. This is one of the many reasons that this musical is so important because it reminds us all that, no matter what we are going through or struggling with, our lives and what we do with them matter. This musical also emphasizes the effect social media has had on younger generations, especially on how it negatively effects our abilities and desires to experience the world through something other than a computer screen. Which causes us to spend more and more time wasting our lives away in front of a screen and forgetting to live. Another thing that I loved about this show was its realism. It doesn't try to sugar coat any of the issues that it addresses, making for a very emotional experience. I found many parts of the show much more relatable than could have ever really expected. Like Evan's struggle to make friends and just general fear of interacting with people he didn't really know that well, or at all. Another relatable idea in the show, that has probably gone through most people's heads at once, is the thought of wondering how life could possibly be worth living if such horrible things, like losing the people you care about, happen in it. Though I have never been suicidal myself, I have often wondered why life is often so difficult. Though I still don't have an answer to that question, I feel reassured, remembering that every life matters, even mine.  

Has Anybody Seen My Passport?

So, about a week ago I decided to start looking for and gathering up stuff that I wanted to bring on my trip to Italy with my family because I just wanted to make sure that I had everything that I needed. Well, as you can probably tell by the title, I didn't. My family and I spent the entire afternoon tearing our house apart looking for my passport, even looking in rooms and drawers that we hadn't opened in years. Checking places we had already looked in five times before, thinking that we may have missed it the first time around. Since my dad was the last person to have it we asked him but he said that if it wasn't in my room then he had no idea where it was. This was super helpful (NOT) since we had already torn my room apart, quite literally, and had found no trace of it. So, with our trip a little less than two months away, we went online to print out a form in order to submit a request for a new passport. When we were finally done filling out the form, I printed it out. The next day my mom and I took the request form, along with my birth certificate and everything else that I needed to prove I was who I claimed to be, to the post office to be submitted. After waiting in line for a good 15-20 minutes, my mom and I showed the woman at the post office the application. She told us that in order to submit the form I would need a state-issued ID and to, next time, print the form single-sided. Naturally I put a lot of effort into not rolling my eyes at these apparently super important minor details. Since I don't have a driver's license we had to drive over to the DMV to get that ID. It must have been a good day there because we were in and out of there within about an hour or so. Since I had already gotten my new photo taken the day before at the local CVS, all we needed to do now was go home and wait until the next day when my mom would be able to drive me down to the post office again. The next day we went to the post office and right after the woman who was working the passport station, the same one that had been there the day before, finished with the only people in front of us she asked if she could go on her lunch break. So because of this woman's inability to stay five more minutes to get this form submitted, my mom and I had to wait probably another twenty minutes before someone was able to help us. We walked up to the counter and I handed the man my form and told him what we wanted to do and he was just so helpful and nice, even making small talk with us about how I had started dancing to the music that was playing. So once we got that form sent off, we were not only happily raving about how that had been the best experience either of us had ever had dealing with a government employee but how relieved we were that this had finally been taken care of and how I was going to have my new passport within a week or so.

The Great Job Hunt

I have been searching and applying for jobs since the end of May and to be perfectly honest, even though that doesn't seem like a long time, to me it's felt like years. The days dragging on, doing the same old boring things everyday like going for walks, watching television, eating, sleeping, repeating this process over and over again made me kind of lose my sense of purpose in life. I am the type of person that only really functions well in very structured environments, like school. Except, because I am not at school and there isn't really a structure to my life right now, I am a little bit at a loss as to what I should do with my time. After being rejected from so many jobs, applying to so many places only to just never even hear back from them, it was, in a sense, very demoralizing. Without something to do, I didn't really have a purpose and if you're not careful that kind of environment can lead to some pretty dark place. Trust me, I've been there and I do not want to go back. Fortunately for me, my mom got me to start this blog so that I would have an actual reason to get up in the morning other the fact I was hungry and needed food or had to go to the bathroom or something. Do I feel as though I have more of a purpose now that I have started this blog? For the most part, yes, because it at least gives me something to do during the day other than lay around and watch YouTube videos. I say for the most part because, just like every other human being, I do have my down days where I don't feel like getting out of bed, despite now finally having purpose. But I must say that, even though these posts don't usually take very long to type, they do help me feel better in that by putting them out here I am not only helping myself, but perhaps others as well. And that's all I want. If my stories can help one kid feel better, or at least less alone, then I am satisfied. Thank you to everyone who reads this for helping me have a purpose. I hope that by writing this out, I have helped you in some way.    

The Most Relatable Coming Out Story

For those of you who are not familiar with, or have not yet watched the TV show, Supergirl please beware that there are spoilers ahead of the events that unfold in the second season of the show. Okay so in case you don't already know Alex Danvers, adopted sister of Supergirl aka Kara Danvers and fan favorite of the show, turns out to be a lesbian in the second season. Even though most fans guessed that it would be Alex when it was revealed that a character would be coming out this season, no one could have anticipated the impact the story would have on the hundreds of the shows LGBT+ fans, myself included. In the beginning of the season, Alex Danvers meets Maggie Sawyer, a lesbian cop. As they work together to solve crimes happening throughout the city, these two badass women who both carry firearms for a living, will become good friends. Over the course of the next few episodes, Alex admits to Maggie that the reason she was never comfortable being intimate with men was because she may actually a lesbian. In the next episode we see Alex come out to her little sister, Kara, in a way that I have been waiting to see since I was still in the closet. It's not only what the character says, but actress Chyler Leigh's incredible portrayal of how her character feels that makes the scene so real and relatable to so many. Alex's struggle to get the words out, trying to explain the complexities of what she feels, the deep breathes she takes between every answer to Kara's questions, eliminating the possibility that she only feels this way because she hasn't found the right guy (a criticism many lesbians and bisexual women often face upon coming out), her admitting to the fact that she may have felt this way before, but didn't understand what it was that she was feeling, and how it began to consume her life to the point where she couldn't sleep because of it, the way she shoved down her feelings about this before. These are the reasons that so many people, gay or not, gravitated towards this show. What I also loved, apart from the reasons listed above, is the fact that Alex is almost thirty, whereas most characters on TV shows are seen coming out much earlier on in their life, showing that it doesn't matter how young or old you are, you are always figuring yourself out and discovering new parts of yourself that you didn't even know were there.

Early Morning Revelations

I'm just feeling so lonely. Like I have no one to talk to, even when I don't have anything to talk about. Sometimes I just need somebody. I know that I have a whole array of people who would disagree, saying that they're always there for me and that they always will be. And they are right, they are usually there for me, except for when they are busy or asleep or when I feel as though, for whatever reason, I cannot trust them with what I have to say. When I can't tell them because they would be mad or upset or are just simply not in any fit state to bear any problems besides their own.


I miss my friends. The ones that are not here (at college). The ones that I don't get to see almost everyday. I wish they would talk to me, or at least do something other than sending me the occasional snapchat pic. Is it really so much to ask? I'm just worried we're growing apart and I don't want that to happen to us. They have been such good and understanding friends and I don't want to lose what we had before. I hate to admit it, but I know that it does go both ways. I know it's up to me too, I guess I'm just tired of always having to be the initiator in spending time with my friends. I'm also just really tired of getting bailed on by my friends when we've already made plans to hang out. Like, I know people are busy but you couldn't of told me that you wouldn't be able to make it before the day we were going to hang out. But, I guess that's a risk that I'll have to take to keep my friends close or to keep them at all, really.


I need to talk to her (the girl I had a crush on in high school). I need to explain why I did what I did. I need her to know that, even though she didn't mean to, she helped me realize who I am. She helped me discover that I am bisexual. She has to know that she helped me through that long and difficult process everyone who has had to come out can attest to how all too lonely and isolating that can be.

Faggots, Dykes, and Trannies Oh my!

It should come as no surprise that offensive terms used against people of the LGBT+ community have been around since there were people who hated us enough to use them. And though there is absolutely no excuse for people using them, especially in ways that are meant to be offensive, I find that the best way to react in these situations is to just take what they called you and turn it around on them by being openly proud that you're a dyke or a fag or a tranny or whatever other offensive word they use. Show them that you're not offended by whatever they said. I know that it is usually a matter of circumstance in how one might react to the situation. I only bring this up because I recently experienced what I would call my first real dose of homophobia. There were two recent incidents which, coincidentally, both occurred at the end of Pride month. The first was on twitter where some straight guy got upset with me after I tweeted something about how heterosexual pride day is everyday of the year and not just on the one day where the hash tag was trending. So this guy asked me if they literally celebrate being heterosexual every single day and I told that they did and asked him to name just one thing in society that didn't have even a hint of heterosexuality molded into it. He gave up quickly, thanking me for entertaining him, after which I reminded him that he was the one that started this in the first place by commenting on my post. Apparently the content that I post that jokingly bashes straight people is suddenly super offensive because a few days later, it happened again , this time on tumblr. I posted something about how straight people complain about how gay people are all in your face about being gay even though they are total hypocrites for possibly being even more in peoples faces about their sexuality than any gay person. It apparently pissed of some super religious, anti-gay, all-fags-are-going-to-hell-for-choosing-to-be-gay type asshole (I know this for a fact because I checked out their blog) so much that they felt the need to comment: "you cant make that point cause ya know, pride month itself is just a major jab saying gays are better than everything else so yeah, stfu [shut the fuck up] faggot". I am going to be honest with you, the first time I saw this, I really didn't know how to react. I was simply stunned that someone could say something so offensive to somebody without even knowing them. I think the worst part of this is that what I experienced is barely the tip of the iceberg when it comes to hate towards this community. But, eventually I did respond to them in the most appropriate way that I could given the circumstances. I said: "That's not what pride is about! And yeah I'm a fucking faggot, dyke, whatever the fuck you wanna call me but I will never shut up especially for people like you! People who think that by being proud about who we are in public we're saying we're better than you? Equality and oppression are two different things! And we just want to be equal and have the same rights as any straight person."

The Struggle (to Come Out) is Real

I am finding it harder and harder to contain it anymore. It's eating away inside of me and I don't know what to do. My family once told me that if I was gay they would accept me. And I completely believe them. I guess it's just never the right time or maybe I'm just afraid that after I tell them, they will treat me differently, even if they don't mean to. When I'm on the internet I feel like I can be more myself because there's a certain level of anonymity on it , at least on tumblr. For some reason I feel more comfortable being even remotely gay on tumblr or any other social media site than I do with even my closest friends and family; even with people who already know the truth about who I am. Why is it that I seem to express myself, my true self, better with complete strangers than with people I have known my entire life? From celebrity crushes to real life ones (on girls and guys) there has only ever been one that has stayed with me. She helped me, in a way and without actually meaning to, discover who I am. Even though she left a bit of a hole in my heart that I can't seem to completely shake no matter how hard I try. And if you've ever seen the show Faking It you know how the story goes. I'm Amy and she's Karma, and I fall for her but she only likes me as a friend. Except for the part about me telling her how I felt. That never happened because she found out from someone else before I had the balls to tell her myself because I was worried that it would ruin our already crumbling friendship. I just, I swear I need more gay guy friends or at least a straight guy friend who accepts me so we can point out hot girls together and then I can do the same thing my gay guy friend or straight girl friends of mine. I just feel like it would make life much easier if I knew, and was friends with, people like me. That way I could feel a little more accepted. Maybe then my sexuality wouldn't be one of my main concerns as I go about my day like a normal human being. It doesn't help that my desire for love increases with every beautiful love song I hear on the radio or some Nicholas Sparks real-life romance I hear about. And it's not to say that I can't be an independent and strong woman. I am just saying that I want to know what it feels like when you care for or even love someone and those feelings are reciprocated.

What Pride Means To Me

To celebrate the last day of pride month, I thought I should do a short piece on "pride" and what exactly it means to me. To me, pride is about so much more than being gay or bi or trans or anything else on the LGBT+ spectrum. Whether you are straight, gay, trans or anything in between, pride is about humanity coming together to not only embrace but to also celebrate our differences. It is about going out and telling, not just the haters, but everyone that you love every part of yourself and nothing that anyone says will change who you are or who you love. Pride is about letting people know that it's okay to be different, no matter who you are or who you love, we will love and accept you no matter what. I celebrate pride, not only for myself, but for the people who can't. So here's to everyone, whether you can celebrate or not: Happy Pride! And I hope that, if you can't today, one day you will be able to join us in celebrating being ourselves.

The B in LGBT

As many of you probably know, the road to self-discovery is often a rather difficult one. Well, I'm sure I can speak for most, if not all, of the LGBT+ community when I say that it is even more so true when one is trying to come to terms with their sexuality or gender identity. Though I cannot speak for those who have struggled with their gender identity, seeing as I am a cisgender, biologically born as a female, I am able to relate to the difficulty of coming to the realization that I might not be straight. Unfortunately I learned this the hard way by falling for a friend of mine who, of course, happened to be straight. I think the reason that it took me so long to figure it out was because I never really had a label to put to what I was feeling, and I am sure that many non-straight people can relate to this, closeted or not. I know for a fact, looking back, that I'd had crushes on girls before, but because I did not know how to explain these feelings, I just assumed that we were really good friends or something. It wasn't until I was 13 or 14 years old that I started to think that I might not be straight. I remember I was so worried about how my parents would react that I literally started balling my eyes out, crying so loudly that my parents came rushing upstairs to see what was wrong. I told them and they responded with the exact response I was expecting: "We'll always love you and be there for you no matter what." Or something like that. Of course at the time I felt relieved knowing that my parents would accept me and not throw me out of the house if I turned out to be gay. However, 5 or 6 years later, right before I ended up coming out to them, I was so f***ing nervous I could barely think straight. Haha. See what I did there. Ha, gay jokes! Okay, anyway, I postponed coming out to my parents for a long time because I wanted to be 100% sure that I was, in fact, bisexual and not a lesbian because I am honestly as close as you get to being a lesbian without actually being a total lesbian. Honestly, at least for me, coming out to my friends was much easier than coming out to my family. It's harder to tell people who are closest to you because, not only do you probably have more respect for them, but they also tend to have more control over your life. I never officially came out to my dad because my mom told him for me, which I was completely okay with. The night I came out to my mom, it was late and I had just come home after hanging out with some friends. She was sitting on the couch watching a movie. I walked right up to her and told her that there was something that I wanted to tell her, but as any person who has ever had to come out can tell you, your mouth moves but no words come out. I knew what I wanted to say I just didn't know how to make the words actually come out of my mouth. For a good 5-10 minutes I was just standing there in front of my mom, who either knew exactly what I was going to say or had no f***ing clue and started thinking of a bunch of different horrible things that I might be trying to tell her. Eventually, I forced the words out of my mouth. I didn't have to wait long for her response: "Okay." She was so relaxed about it that it actually concerned me. At least at first because I still had that lurking feeling in the back of my mind that had kept from telling her in the first place which was that she actually wasn't okay with it, but for my sake she was trying to hide how she really felt. Of course she was actually okay with it and was probably so relaxed about it because she already knew. But, unfortunately, even in very accepting homes kids still feel nervous to come out to their parents because of that sliver of fear that the parents are going to end up being secretly homophobic and throw you out of the house. Even though that did not happen to me, it is still an unfortunate and surprisingly common, reality for many. Whether you fall into this category or not, please, if you have not already, reach out to someone in your life about this. I know just how alone you can feel, but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that you don't have to be so alone in this process. Whoever you are and wherever you are in this process of self-discovery, I wish you and hope that you will soon be able to not only show your true colors, but to be proud of them.